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Thursday, April 30, 2009

Continued: The Amazing Adventures of Border Boy and Cyber Pastor

The beginning of the story is here. NJ and Dean are the authors of this spoof that we are featuring on our Friday Night Follies show on Do The Right Thing Radio.

The year is 2009 and our great country has been taken over by the radical Agents of Chaos. However, the evil empire is about to learn that a super secret organization known as Freedom Village is working behind the scenes to preserve truth, justice and the American Way of Life.

Border Boy and Cyber Pastor are supported by a highly trained squad of black operatives known as Stanger’s group. Stanger’s is one of several black ops groups used for any and all clandestine missions requiring stealth and mission precision. They operate independently but frequently assist our heroes when not elsewhere on the world stage.

BB and CP needed to get off the WH grounds and rendezvous with The Conservative Trucker who was to be parked in his big rig on the corner waiting to complete the extraction. CP frantically reaches for his offering plate before AGENT SMOKER is aware of their absence. CP has a newly improved offering plate which has anti-gravity hovering capabilities and for just the few seconds they needed, could lift the two of them over the fence.

Cyber Pastor shot the plate into the air while our duo gripped the cable that extended from it. The anti gravity technology is still very new, and they hoped it could not only lift them but carry them in the right direction to be over that fence before it failed.

Gripping the cable with one hand each, CP and BB felt their feet leave the ground way too slowly for BB’s nerves. As CP whispered a prayer, BB whispered something not so prayerful. [chuckle] The plate’s lift was only getting them up about 3 feet up and there it stayed….what the heck is going on BB gritted his teeth in total frustration… and then reached up with his other hand and yanked-hard….it seems a peace dove escaped from a cage that some hippie code pinker brought to the party; and the bird found the hovering offering plate a nice place to perch. Yanking on the cable did not budge the bird so BB pulled out his revolver and all CP heard was the sound of the silenced pistol. It was kind of cool though, seeing all those pink feathers go “poof”. The offering plate immediately regained lift and they were over the fence and on the ground. As CP recovered the offering plate, not wanting to leavetheir technology in enemy hands, they took off running for TCT’s truck..

In TCT's truck is the main uplink for the satellite along with various weapons such as plasma guns used to turn the Agents of Chaos into glowing heaps of dust, a high power EMP (Electro Magnetic Pulse) device which could be deployed from inside the trucks trailer and used to shut down electronic systems, dart guns used to incapacitate but not kill various players like innocent civilians, grenade launchers, rocket guns to blow big holes in things, and what has become known as the discombobulator gun or the DC "No Forensics" Gun.

That one shoots out a pulse of microwaves 10,000 times more poweful than a kitchen microwave. It literally fries anything in it's path and if it hits a human it turns them into little bubbly nuggets like fried chicken. Although rarely used, actual results are not well known so just about anything is possible. If shot at a helicopter for instance the helicopter completely disintigrates into molten pieces of metal and the bubbly chicken nuggets. Quite spectacular but very deadly.

CP and BB have the digital recording devices stored in the heels of their shoes with all the recently obtained data. The recording devices are very small. Not much bigger than a quarter. About the same size as a computer motherboard batteryand able to store massive amounts of data.

CP and BB had arrived at the truck. All that remained was Stanger's squad to launch the Diversion. "Where in the heck is that guy?, asked BB about TCT?

“Yeah, why would he just leave the truck” asked CP? “This doesn’t make sense.”

They jump in the cab only to find an illegal alien in the process of hot wiring the truck to steal it at that very moment. TCT is nowhere to be found.

BB looks at the Illegal and says "who the hell are you?"

The illegal says: [something in spanish] And who did you expect? Taco Bell?

CP says: Border Boy please don't kill him!

Several minutes later the illegal alien is dressed in BB's server outfit and is unconscious hanging by his collar from the fence just inside the white house grounds with a note that reads: "Dear Secret Service, You see what I did to that dove, wait and see what I do to the president."

Border Boy returns to the truck:

CP: Where the heck is TCT anyway?

BB: I have no idea but we need to get this rig moving RIGHT NOW.

CP: "You don't think Chaos has him do you?"

BB: "At this point I'm not sure what to think."

"He certainly wouldn't have let a bunch yahoos from Chaos sneak up on him. And I don't believe he would have gone down without a fight."

CP: "Yeah. Good point. We didn't see any evidence of a struggle."

BB turning to CP: "You think he just wandered off lookin' for a cup o' coffee or something ?"

CP: "Nah. Not TCT. He knows how important this mission is."

BB: "Well when Stanger and his guys show up we better go look for him. We ain't leavin' nobody behind."

CP: "Amen to that BB. But where could he have gone?"

TCT has been kidnapped by a large group of women calling themselves the Pink Ladies. These females are headed to a convention for hookers and just happened upon TCT standing outside his rig stretching his legs. They injected him with some kind of drug while standing there talking to the ladies, most likely Love Potion No.12LUV. Skantily clad, TCT was completely mesmerized by them as any man would be, making it easy to get close enough to give him the dope.

The Pink Ladies, laughing and twittering like a bunch of school girls, hustled ol' TCT off for a night of unknown events in the nearby convention center. Lucky guy....or perhaps not.

CP and BB are gonna be pissed.

Meanwhile the alarms had not yet gone off on the WH grounds.

Things were quiet but that was about to change when Agent Smoker discovered the two servers were no longer outside...they could not be found anywhere. More guests were arriving and AS needed his servers.

Stanger, standing in the shadows about a block away was ready with his squad of operators to begin the diversionary strike. That, set to begin when the WH alarm system went active.

CP and BB get the rig going and set off to the GPS coordinated rally point. That is the point where all operators would get aboard and the operation would then proceed to the extraction point not far away for pick up by helicopter.

As they began driving all hell broke loose on the WH grounds when the illegal was found hanging on the fence, still quite unconscious.

When BB puts somebody to sleep they stay that way for a very long time...haha.

Agent Smoker is going nuts screamimg, "This isn't who I'm looking for dammit!" The agents of Chaos were in disarray at the moment with all the big shots arriving, stretch limo's pulling in and out, high brow ladies in all their finery strutting like over ripe peacocks up the steps to the WH grand ball room and everybody smiling for the hundreds of cameras lighting up the night with flash bulbs.

At that moment Stanger begins 'Operation Diversion'. Shooting pulses of EMP at those expensive limo's as they drove out causing them to stop dead in the road. Major traffic jams ensued causing more confusion and chaos. Grenade launchers lobbing large explosives filled with noxious gas that smelled of burned chicken feathers and shooting multi-colored sparklers off in every direction on the WH lawn.

Many of the party goers just thought it was part of the welcoming until the odor got to their nostrils.

"Oh look Martha, rainbow sparklers. How wonderful" one guest exclaimed. "Yes Harold. Very thoughtful indeed but that odor is just disgusting. Peee-uw," Martha said.

Little did they know that the noxious gas was actually a concentrated form of nitrous oxide, laughing gas, that some speculated came from earthworm flatulance. The actual harvesting and processing of this gas was a very well kept secret.

Agent Smoker was a nanosecond from having major conniptions by this time. All he could do was run around in circles muttering something about 2 lost servers, a Mexican assassin and a dead peace dove. Poor Agent Smoker, in the midst of the havoc which was flawlessly executed by Stanger's group, he just kept saying: "Black Moon is going to have my balls for breakfast."


In the next episode.....