Powered By Christian Gifts

Friday, March 7, 2008

Just For Fun

A child was told to write a book report on the entire Bible.
This is what he wrote.

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but
God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,
but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me
a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they
weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and
Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the
Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they
didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was
Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for
Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one
of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his
family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him,
but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than
his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for
some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud
sports coat. Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was
Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from
the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These
plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the
Israel Lights every day with manicotti.

Then he gave them His Top Ten
Commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet
your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy
father and thy mother. One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the
first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and
the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be
king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who
had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but
that doesn't sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of
major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a
big whale and then barfed on the shore. There were also some minor
league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the
New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been
born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the
door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of
fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the
Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst
one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible
vegetable after him. Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and
even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all
those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't
stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Any way's, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He
went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His
return is foretold in the book of Revolution.